We rarely talk about requirements in separation anxiety training, but there is one I’d like to talk more about today – managing your dog’s alone time. First though, I want to acknowledge that the ask to not leave your dog alone longer than he can handle while training – an ask I frame with prospective clients as “making a promise to your dog” – is both temporary and can feel quite daunting. It is also not an ask I (or any other Certified Separation Anxiety Trainer) make lightly.
I have walked in your shoes as the guardian of a dog with separation anxiety, and I have supported others through that journey. Managing absences is hard, and the payoff is so worth it: a dog who feels safe and calm when home alone, allowing you to walk out the door and go live your life without hesitation.
In an earlier blog, I shared some creative ideas for getting started with absence management. In this blog, it’s time to pull the curtain back a little more to take you further behind the scenes of how managing absences can look and feel.
Making that Promise
Perhaps the best place to begin is with a reminder that learning is lawful and the ask is truly not arbitrary. Think of separation anxiety training like building a house — a strong foundation free of cracks is essential for both safety and efficiency. It takes time to build the earliest layers. Then, the process begins to move more quickly as those safe, solid layers accumulate, and the journey feels worth it when you move in with no concern about collapse.
The promise to not leave your dog alone longer than he is comfortable during training is essential to building your dog’s foundation for continued learning. It’s making and keeping that promise over time that will enable you to once again walk out the door with no need to worry (yes, really there is hope!). However, each potential absence that pushes beyond the current strength of that foundation throughout the training process has the potential to cause a crack, resulting in a need to back up, fill it in, and prolong training.
Yes, that means your absence management journey begins by shaking your dog’s paw while telling him you promise not to leave him alone longer than he is comfortable. While that may be a few seconds at first (that is OK!), those seconds can and will become minutes, then hours. In return, his promise to you – not to exhibit those hard-to-watch behaviors that make even the thought of leaving the house feel impossible.
Acting on that Promise
As you begin (or continue) managing absences, keep in mind that does not mean you need to be with your dog 24/7. That would be an unfair and impossible ask of any dog guardian. Rather, it means that when you aren’t able to be home with your dog you have arranged for him to be in the care of another human. Maybe there is some relief in reading that? Perhaps even a realization that you might already be doing this?
Think of acting on your promise like first managing care for a young child who is not yet ready to be home alone (nor would it be safe). It requires some planning and logistical creativity early on that tends to ease with time. If you are not sure where to begin or along the way find yourself feeling overwhelmed, a great piece of advice a good friend and colleague once gave me – pull out your calendar, figure out the time and days you need coverage, and make a plan.
Which care gaps will be easiest to fill? Which will require more time or creative thinking? Can you make a short term plan to then work on a longer term one? Having a few questions to break down your specific needs and next steps while looking at the calendar is one way to help this feel more manageable.
Keeping that Promise
Just like any promise worth making and keeping, this one comes with its ups and downs. There will be days when you feel like you have earned an A+ in meeting your dog’s training and management needs while still meeting yours. And, there will be days when breaking the promise will feel easier than keeping it, that’s not a sign of failure – it’s a sign you are human. Overcoming separation anxiety requires emotional labor, and the best advice I can give you on those tough days is to lean into your village. In the end, you, your dog, and your village will be glad you did.
The good news is that just as managing childcare as children age and gain alone-time independence becomes less of a challenge (also less of a need), so does managing alone time for a dog on their way to resolution. As you and your dog move beyond that foundation-building stage, there exists a training sweet spot where real life begins to feel within reach and managing absences starts to feel easier.
Of course, that sweet spot is unique and personal to each guardian, though you’ll know when you find yours – it’s the point when you have enough time built up to start using training sessions to run (more likely walk or drive) errands or have some fun. For example, maybe it’s having enough time to drop off and pick up a new book at the library. Or, perhaps it’s the time needed to shop for groceries, check out, and get back without needing to rush. This shift from worrying about managing every absence to using training sessions to practice real life and coordinate care for only those absences that exceed the minutes or hours of alone time your pup has achieved is a milestone to celebrate for sure!
When that Promise Has Been Fulfilled
Managing absences isn’t about never leaving your house or your dog — it’s about being mindful and strategic during each phase of the training process to provide for your pup’s well being and yours. It’s about finding, nurturing, leaning into, and thanking your village. It’s about making and keeping a promise to your dog to not leave him alone longer than he can handle while training. And, it’s about making and keeping a promise to yourself that your needs, most importantly that one to be able to walk out the door and live your life, matter.
The end goal is freedom for you and your dog, and I assure you that end goal is not only possible, but also realistic and reasonable. Trust me – there is hope.
